viernes, 27 de mayo de 2016

Papelito (otro) habla.

Estoy a punto de recibir el titulo de maestría por parte de mi alma mater, si bien es un logro que según las buenas lenguas "no cualquiera" no estoy pero ni tantito emocionada. Es un logro, una meta, un escalón más en esta escalera de la vida. PFFFF ¿así o más cursi? Al graduarme de la carrera profesional el sentimiento de superación y de que todos los posters motivacionales con helvetica si funcionan tenia completo sentido, es necesario ese primer empujón para romper la barrera del mundo "laboral" y no perder el aliento al ser desechado en una 30 o 40va entrevista laboral.
Pero ahora, el sentimiento es nulo, inexistente. Hemos pasado por ese rompimiento de la auto estima estudiantil ya una vez, una segunda parece fútil. El cuento de hadas al terminar la lucha contra el dragón universitario ya tuvo su final no tan feliz y ahora la vida cada vez se parece más a una sitcom (Para ser exactos ese momento en el que Robin se queda sin novio, sin trabajo y sin lugar donde vivir siendo una tercera rueda en el departamento de Marshall y Lili).
Pero un papel más o un papel menos ya no simboliza un cambio real en tu vida. Si bien en la carrera profesional creces y aprendes de manera constante en un ambiente de 24/7 de proyectos, guías, clases, tutores, fiestas (obviamente) y viajes, en un ambiente laboral una maestría solo es cambiar 1/5 de tu rutina, no todo de golpe. ¿Y realmente cambiará algo? Siento que he desperdiciado los últimos 3 años de mi vida en obtener un papel que no tienen ningún valor para mí, las oportunidades y experiencias en estos años son invaluables, pero el papel no marcara un antes o un después, ni un valor superior o menor, ni  tampoco son capaces de demostrar quien soy en realidad. Ese papel es solo un papel.
La realidad es que ya lo tengo en mano, y hoy ya estoy de nueva cuenta en mi oficina con mi agenda en mano, audífonos y sobreviviendo a base de café. Igual que ayer, igual que mañana. La motivación no la da el papel, ahora hay que buscarla.

miércoles, 13 de abril de 2016

The real feel of a human being

When I was in college I decided to spent a whole course over other country, as an international experience. It was indeed one of the best decisions I ever did, but also, give me so many moments of clear thinking.
One of the most clear ones is: I spent whole 2 weeks without human touch. Don't get to deep, I do not mean sexual encounters or serious displays of affection. I spent 2 whole weeks without even receiving a hug or a hand shake. It did made me notice Latino cultures are so close to being "overly" affective, we do give a kiss in the cheek every time we say hi and even hug and clap each others backs as we salute close relatives and friends. But at that time, the only thing missing from me were my friends and family, I wanted so bad to feel close to someone. (It did went away in a mather of days).
Well, that same feeling happen again. But in this case, it's been quite some years. And I have been "touched".
What is missing is, after a year and a half under therapy, I noticed myself putting up a wall in front of me, the world seem like a place I was way to "into it". I acknowledged way too many things, way to fast, and trying my best to be cautions about the people around me. It's been already almost 2 years since I finished therapy. 

The Danish Girl was a good movie (won't say is the best, cause it isn't) but I can totally relate to the feeling Alicia Vikander's character as the support to her husbands transformation and yet being an outsider to the situation itself, alone and yet there.I just started crying. Couldn't help it. It's being a while since I have certainty of being close to somebody and being able to "feel" them, to have a real encounter with another human been in ages, and again, I don't mean physically, but been able to assure the feel of another human soul in this world.
I been feeling alone while being surrounded by people. And in this case, It was my own decision. The biggest issue right now is not about having a wall protecting me from the world, but the fact, that I am not sure I can (want) to tear it down.

martes, 15 de marzo de 2016

Painting used to be the best way to let my mind run free. To escape: painting, drawing, a fucking marker was heaven to me. It was my own world and my own only.
But as time pass by, it gets to be more of a struggle than an escape. Noticing how my inability to paint is getting worst and worst day by day, the struggle to keep going falls down into the angry path. I do notice my bigger regret as I grow old, and is my career decision. I decided not no be an Illustrator. It was playing it safe: non using my only escape as my way to survive, I could never do that to myself. Unfortunately it is also one of only passions in life and totally miscarried it along the way for "major" purposes.
Reality is, I do blame this decision entirely to my parents. It wasn't about playing it safe, it was about them playing it safe for me. They didn't give me much of a decision about it, as I said I intended to to be an illustrator they just said no and I obeyed.
That's the issue, I blame them for taking a decision for me. When in reality it was me not taking my own decisions and standing up for myself, standing for my passion.
For my own sanity I still blame them and still regret (as my own regret) not following my own passion. But one thing is for sure: Painting is still my only escape. And I'm glad I still got this. For as long as I got.

sábado, 16 de enero de 2016

2016: The no-expectations year.

As the year comes to an end, we set ourselves new goals to achieve as soon as the new year enters: Start healthy eating, a new exercise routine, find true love. In my case it usually included: Drawing more, Blogging more, Travel more.

As I sat down to give a quite taught full review of 2015 I just notice how little of my 2015 goals I actually achieved. I did travel, got a beautiful chance to be part of a musical theater course over NY. (Which is an amazing city). But, besides that, I did not blog more, draw or painted more.  I started comparing all my goals, and setting myself full F on my school board for each and every one of them, leaving me feeling down and setting my 2015 as a "boring" year. How sad is it to say your year is "boring"? (It was good, but wasn't spectacular, it wasn't hard either).

Setting goals to the year (and yourself) sets expectations of whats to come, setting expectations allows for the next year to compare your expectations against reality. According to my logic the best way to stop comparing year against year and goals and expectations is simply having NONE.

My only goal I set to myself this year was having ZERO expectations of it, no goals to obtain and no scores to get. That way, everything that happens will be a total surprise. Of course, I made myself some guide: If I do enjoy drawing, I'll just make sure I have a notebook and a pen right beside me at all time (which I already did!). See? I already made progress to make this year a better than 2015 and actually didn't took much. Goals should be measurable in order to be obtainable, the problem is we usually set measures way too high way too fast (losing 20pounds during January, pfff nobody has time for that), but setting small measures along the way may lead to habits, even better than just yearly goals.

I do have some plans: finishing my masters is definitely happening this year, as  well as a quick and fun trip to Barcelona (which might or might not happen, I am just thinking about it) but I am setting no expectations to it, just looking at some booking prices. We'll see how it goes along the way :) 2016, surprise me!