miércoles, 13 de abril de 2016

The real feel of a human being

When I was in college I decided to spent a whole course over other country, as an international experience. It was indeed one of the best decisions I ever did, but also, give me so many moments of clear thinking.
One of the most clear ones is: I spent whole 2 weeks without human touch. Don't get to deep, I do not mean sexual encounters or serious displays of affection. I spent 2 whole weeks without even receiving a hug or a hand shake. It did made me notice Latino cultures are so close to being "overly" affective, we do give a kiss in the cheek every time we say hi and even hug and clap each others backs as we salute close relatives and friends. But at that time, the only thing missing from me were my friends and family, I wanted so bad to feel close to someone. (It did went away in a mather of days).
Well, that same feeling happen again. But in this case, it's been quite some years. And I have been "touched".
What is missing is, after a year and a half under therapy, I noticed myself putting up a wall in front of me, the world seem like a place I was way to "into it". I acknowledged way too many things, way to fast, and trying my best to be cautions about the people around me. It's been already almost 2 years since I finished therapy. 

The Danish Girl was a good movie (won't say is the best, cause it isn't) but I can totally relate to the feeling Alicia Vikander's character as the support to her husbands transformation and yet being an outsider to the situation itself, alone and yet there.I just started crying. Couldn't help it. It's being a while since I have certainty of being close to somebody and being able to "feel" them, to have a real encounter with another human been in ages, and again, I don't mean physically, but been able to assure the feel of another human soul in this world.
I been feeling alone while being surrounded by people. And in this case, It was my own decision. The biggest issue right now is not about having a wall protecting me from the world, but the fact, that I am not sure I can (want) to tear it down.

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