jueves, 14 de septiembre de 2017

About to go back "home"

About to go back home. Yeap. After barely 5 months in the old city I am going back.
Part of me is excited about it, to be honest, I do miss certain things (as in people, family and the easy-going of a provincial life). 
But most of me is scared as hell, scared of my future, the decisions I make and he domino effect it will produce. 
I love this city, I love its restaurants, its museums, it's plays. I love it. But it's making me going insane. 
In this big old city, a single fish cannot shine through the entire ocean of fish. You get to be one of many. But that does not mean the many will support you in orden to keep you going, they are in this fight as well, if they must bite you off the race, they will. 
The "welcome to the jungle" never felt more real, and in this case, I do not feel like a "jungle" person anymore.
Although I am going back merely for practical reasons, not sentimental ones.
They offer me a better job. 
It's not as much as you will expect. Is barely above my previous job. But it is better than any previous job I ever had.
My expeses in this city are growing and growing while my salary is just being the same. 
I do not love my job (even though I dont hate it) but it has nothing to do with my career and haven't being able to do the big leap, I came to this city to find my career path, but I think I lost every path I had. 
I feel stuck and unhappy.
The smallest things are starting to get into my head and messing around. 
I do feel like a less of a human being, smaller and less capable than the moment I arrived. 
I feel behind everyone else in every sense.
I do feel like crap.
But there is no real reason for me to stay. The only one saying to me "please, stay" is my heart. As I said, I love this city.
But my head just keeps saying "loser, go home. Go and get the fucking better, study more, do more, save money. Do what the fucking you need to do, to be better."
My head is a dickhead. 
But in this moment in my life, it's kinda right.
So I am going back. 
And I am afraid of not coming back to this dream. The #cdmx dream. Or any other dream for that matter.
...
I did write all of this, 2 weeks ago. I am already back.
I am back. 

3 comentarios:

Macky dijo...

yo creo que todas las decisiones que has tomado hasta ahora te han permitido crear tu propio camino, quizá tenemos que ir atrás de muuucha gente para abrirle paso a otros que querrán seguir por donde hemos abierto el paso <3

Sony Faudoa dijo...

Siento que no importa que decisiones tomemos siempre seran equivocadas, porque nos creamos expectativas de todo, pero inevitablemente te llevaran a movernos, constantemente, para adelante o para atras, pero movernos al momento presente.

Unknown dijo...

Chaparra hay dos que te dicen quédate, tu corazón y yo. Yo sigo firmemente creyendo que tienes lo necesario para ser una super ilustradora y ser feliz haciendo a otros felices. You know I love u and I respect your decisions... I really hope you believe in you, so you can get out again.

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