About to go back "home"

About to go back home. Yeap. After barely 5 months in the old city I am going back.

Part of me is excited about it, to be honest, I do miss certain things (as in people, family and the easy-going of a provincial life). 

But most of me is scared as hell, scared of my future, the decisions I make and he domino effect it will produce. 

I love this city, I love its restaurants, its museums, it's plays. I love it. But it's making me going insane. 

In this big old city, a single fish cannot shine through the entire ocean of fish. You get to be one of many. But that does not mean the many will support you in orden to keep you going, they are in this fight as well, if they must bite you off the race, they will. 

The "welcome to the jungle" never felt more real, and in this case, I do not feel like a "jungle" person anymore.

Although I am going back merely for practical reasons, not sentimental ones.

They offer me a better job. 

It's not as much as you will expect. Is barely above my previous job. But it is better than any previous job I ever had.

My expeses in this city are growing and growing while my salary is just being the same. 

I do not love my job (even though I dont hate it) but it has nothing to do with my career and haven't being able to do the big leap, I came to this city to find my career path, but I think I lost every path I had. 

I feel stuck and unhappy.

The smallest things are starting to get into my head and messing around. 

I do feel like a less of a human being, smaller and less capable than the moment I arrived. 

I feel behind everyone else in every sense.

I do feel like crap.

But there is no real reason for me to stay. The only one saying to me "please, stay" is my heart. As I said, I love this city.

But my head just keeps saying "loser, go home. Go and get the fucking better, study more, do more, save money. Do what the fucking you need to do, to be better."

My head is a dickhead. 

But in this moment in my life, it's kinda right.

So I am going back. 

And I am afraid of not coming back to this dream. The #cdmx dream. Or any other dream for that matter.
...
I did write all of this, 2 weeks ago. I am already back.
I am back. 

2016: The no-expectations year.

As the year comes to an end, we set ourselves new goals to achieve as soon as the new year enters: Start healthy eating, a new exercise routine, find true love. In my case it usually included: Drawing more, Blogging more, Travel more.

As I sat down to give a quite taught full review of 2015 I just notice how little of my 2015 goals I actually achieved. I did travel, got a beautiful chance to be part of a musical theater course over NY. (Which is an amazing city). But, besides that, I did not blog more, draw or painted more.  I started comparing all my goals, and setting myself full F on my school board for each and every one of them, leaving me feeling down and setting my 2015 as a "boring" year. How sad is it to say your year is "boring"? (It was good, but wasn't spectacular, it wasn't hard either).

Setting goals to the year (and yourself) sets expectations of whats to come, setting expectations allows for the next year to compare your expectations against reality. According to my logic the best way to stop comparing year against year and goals and expectations is simply having NONE.

My only goal I set to myself this year was having ZERO expectations of it, no goals to obtain and no scores to get. That way, everything that happens will be a total surprise. Of course, I made myself some guide: If I do enjoy drawing, I'll just make sure I have a notebook and a pen right beside me at all time (which I already did!). See? I already made progress to make this year a better than 2015 and actually didn't took much. Goals should be measurable in order to be obtainable, the problem is we usually set measures way too high way too fast (losing 20pounds during January, pfff nobody has time for that), but setting small measures along the way may lead to habits, even better than just yearly goals.

I do have some plans: finishing my masters is definitely happening this year, as  well as a quick and fun trip to Barcelona (which might or might not happen, I am just thinking about it) but I am setting no expectations to it, just looking at some booking prices. We'll see how it goes along the way :) 2016, surprise me!

Into 2014....so far.

(BTW this post was supposed to be up a week ago! ...that can give you the scoop as how much I work on the following goals)

As you can see i fall into bad habits quite often: Not blogging. Once said the issue with blogging right now is that it feels more like a chore to do than a hide-out, it makes me feel responsible for something i should be trying to do 24/7. Some part of me knows it is mostly because i look blogging like a new job i have to make perfectly, but at this time, also notice is been a while since in have the opportunity to talk to somebody about pretty much anything that pops out of my head...like my blog used to be.

As every year i try my best to come often, and as every year i fail horribly over it. From all blogs and articles been following lately, one of it included putting your Year Goals by written, therefore you can see them Daily, Measure them and Remind them. So that's what i did...kinda. I put it over my bamboo app on my iPad just to have it around, but not in order to make it impossible to change it a little bit.

Originally started as a 5 goal thing....ended in 4; mainly cause also this year i was able to notice i have almost zero real goals. Not the i-want-to-be-thin kinda of goal, but those goals that are not really by years, but stages, for instance: what i want to do/ to be by the age of 30?. Yes my darlings, that's where the panic come from. *runs in circles, checks first goal of the year*

Out of Inspiration

Instead of becoming something exited, blogging has started to become a burden. I count on having either a lot of time to think of something or having a lot of awesome things to blog. But as much as i have done this days (ballooning fiesta, Serrat and Sabina concert, one of my bestfriends prom party, etc, etc) and as i actually been doing almost nothing...i already feel so tired i dont wanna go blogging into my computer.

I even download the Blogger app for iPhone to see is i could catch up with everything, but i havent even open it up. I want to do cute and awesome stuff for the blog, i just hope i get the inspiration to do that, and my job. Which for bad luck is lossing its inspiration for me.

Y las ideas hacen PUF!

...y desaparecen.

Llevo días tratando de escrbir un post de desahogo en este lugar, sin como pueden verlo, llevarlo a cabo. Increíblemente tuve muchos momentos de iluminación diciéndome una y otra vez...oh! Esta es uno de esos pensamientos que quiero escribir en el blog! O esta es una gran idea para un post!...pero por azares del destino nunca los realice...bien, es a esto que he decidido llevar a cabo una pequeña bitácora de lluvia de ideas de todo lo que necesito expresar.

Es muy linda <3 en realidad estoy muy emocionada de que esta idea si se vaya a plasmar en algún lado, porque haré mi propia libreta <3 y sera linda y maravillosa y escribiré en ella todos los temas de los que deseo hablar y anotare a su vez que imágenes colocare o que quotes citare o que demás cosas lindas haré.

Claro el detalle es que realmente lo realice y no solo me emocione como 5 minutos y luego PUF, como el resto de mis ideas.

Espero todas sus ideas si se concreten y si no, guarden 5 minutos al día para hacer una lluvia de ideas random de todo lo que desean escribir o realizar, y luego de ahí hagan prioridades. Ojala y a mi me funcione :) <------- smile face.