About to go back "home"

About to go back home. Yeap. After barely 5 months in the old city I am going back.

Part of me is excited about it, to be honest, I do miss certain things (as in people, family and the easy-going of a provincial life). 

But most of me is scared as hell, scared of my future, the decisions I make and he domino effect it will produce. 

I love this city, I love its restaurants, its museums, it's plays. I love it. But it's making me going insane. 

In this big old city, a single fish cannot shine through the entire ocean of fish. You get to be one of many. But that does not mean the many will support you in orden to keep you going, they are in this fight as well, if they must bite you off the race, they will. 

The "welcome to the jungle" never felt more real, and in this case, I do not feel like a "jungle" person anymore.

Although I am going back merely for practical reasons, not sentimental ones.

They offer me a better job. 

It's not as much as you will expect. Is barely above my previous job. But it is better than any previous job I ever had.

My expeses in this city are growing and growing while my salary is just being the same. 

I do not love my job (even though I dont hate it) but it has nothing to do with my career and haven't being able to do the big leap, I came to this city to find my career path, but I think I lost every path I had. 

I feel stuck and unhappy.

The smallest things are starting to get into my head and messing around. 

I do feel like a less of a human being, smaller and less capable than the moment I arrived. 

I feel behind everyone else in every sense.

I do feel like crap.

But there is no real reason for me to stay. The only one saying to me "please, stay" is my heart. As I said, I love this city.

But my head just keeps saying "loser, go home. Go and get the fucking better, study more, do more, save money. Do what the fucking you need to do, to be better."

My head is a dickhead. 

But in this moment in my life, it's kinda right.

So I am going back. 

And I am afraid of not coming back to this dream. The #cdmx dream. Or any other dream for that matter.
...
I did write all of this, 2 weeks ago. I am already back.
I am back. 

Papelito (otro) habla.

Estoy a punto de recibir el titulo de maestría por parte de mi alma mater, si bien es un logro que según las buenas lenguas "no cualquiera" no estoy pero ni tantito emocionada. Es un logro, una meta, un escalón más en esta escalera de la vida. PFFFF ¿así o más cursi? Al graduarme de la carrera profesional el sentimiento de superación y de que todos los posters motivacionales con helvetica si funcionan tenia completo sentido, es necesario ese primer empujón para romper la barrera del mundo "laboral" y no perder el aliento al ser desechado en una 30 o 40va entrevista laboral.

Pero ahora, el sentimiento es nulo, inexistente. Hemos pasado por ese rompimiento de la auto estima estudiantil ya una vez, una segunda parece fútil. El cuento de hadas al terminar la lucha contra el dragón universitario ya tuvo su final no tan feliz y ahora la vida cada vez se parece más a una sitcom (Para ser exactos ese momento en el que Robin se queda sin novio, sin trabajo y sin lugar donde vivir siendo una tercera rueda en el departamento de Marshall y Lili).

Pero un papel más o un papel menos ya no simboliza un cambio real en tu vida. Si bien en la carrera profesional creces y aprendes de manera constante en un ambiente de 24/7 de proyectos, guías, clases, tutores, fiestas (obviamente) y viajes, en un ambiente laboral una maestría solo es cambiar 1/5 de tu rutina, no todo de golpe. ¿Y realmente cambiará algo? Siento que he desperdiciado los últimos 3 años de mi vida en obtener un papel que no tienen ningún valor para mí, las oportunidades y experiencias en estos años son invaluables, pero el papel no marcara un antes o un después, ni un valor superior o menor, ni  tampoco son capaces de demostrar quien soy en realidad. Ese papel es solo un papel.

La realidad es que ya lo tengo en mano, y hoy ya estoy de nueva cuenta en mi oficina con mi agenda en mano, audífonos y sobreviviendo a base de café. Igual que ayer, igual que mañana. La motivación no la da el papel, ahora hay que buscarla.

2016: The no-expectations year.

As the year comes to an end, we set ourselves new goals to achieve as soon as the new year enters: Start healthy eating, a new exercise routine, find true love. In my case it usually included: Drawing more, Blogging more, Travel more.

As I sat down to give a quite taught full review of 2015 I just notice how little of my 2015 goals I actually achieved. I did travel, got a beautiful chance to be part of a musical theater course over NY. (Which is an amazing city). But, besides that, I did not blog more, draw or painted more.  I started comparing all my goals, and setting myself full F on my school board for each and every one of them, leaving me feeling down and setting my 2015 as a "boring" year. How sad is it to say your year is "boring"? (It was good, but wasn't spectacular, it wasn't hard either).

Setting goals to the year (and yourself) sets expectations of whats to come, setting expectations allows for the next year to compare your expectations against reality. According to my logic the best way to stop comparing year against year and goals and expectations is simply having NONE.

My only goal I set to myself this year was having ZERO expectations of it, no goals to obtain and no scores to get. That way, everything that happens will be a total surprise. Of course, I made myself some guide: If I do enjoy drawing, I'll just make sure I have a notebook and a pen right beside me at all time (which I already did!). See? I already made progress to make this year a better than 2015 and actually didn't took much. Goals should be measurable in order to be obtainable, the problem is we usually set measures way too high way too fast (losing 20pounds during January, pfff nobody has time for that), but setting small measures along the way may lead to habits, even better than just yearly goals.

I do have some plans: finishing my masters is definitely happening this year, as  well as a quick and fun trip to Barcelona (which might or might not happen, I am just thinking about it) but I am setting no expectations to it, just looking at some booking prices. We'll see how it goes along the way :) 2016, surprise me!

Academy Awards Post-Recovery

Don't you ever feel like the Academy Awards are one big holiday day and we should get days off-work for it, presents, all the family together and just enjoy them? Like Christmas....maybe?. Am i the only one? I bet im not. Lets face it im currently feeling the blues post-award season, and even thought I enjoy them very much (specially the Oscars) I now feel something is missing. 

Aww Alfonso, estamos todos en este viaje...

This year's season was extremely fun since I planned  (actual planning) everything on advance in order to make the most out of the whole event ( from making sure i actually had the time to sit and watch, to actually making some drinks for it, but don't get me wrong it was nothing fancy, mostly beers and lime). So I had a lot of time in front of the tv to get excited (at one point I was already jumping in bed and screaming...my mom just left the room for a while). And I had reasons to: so happy for Mr. Alfonso Cuarón, Gravity was for me a delightful movie to see and not because he is from Mexico City or that (c'mon its not like my cutie country actually supports the arts) but because I love how he works his teams into making the kind of movie I love (yeah, I still think the 3rd Harry Potter is the best or most accurate to my mind).

But speacking of movie loves....I had no other than Gravity this year and not bacause American Hustle or 12 years a slave or even Nebraska and Blue Jasmine weren't good, the problem is, I cant tell, since I havnt seen them. (OMG yes ladies and gentleman i made a capital huge enourmous mistake and havent seen any of them). I'm so desesperated to see Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club and Lupita Nyong'o and Michael Fassbender in 12 years a slave, but damn, it appears not only awards gotta have to be plan into detail, but movies to me are becoming a prvilage little thing you can't just wait 365 days to have again. 

2012 vs. 2013: now FIGHT!

Well Christmas season come and go as easy as a feather. It happen so fast I feel i didn't got the time to enjoy it properly. I do miss Christmas Eve the old way, when you are little there's only hope and presents to think about, when you go old it also includes financial issues and sadness. But besides that i do enjoy having "slow days" you know, the kinda way Elsie displays on her blog "A Beautiful Mess" on this post. I had several of those and got a chance to enjoy the pleasures of having a place called "home".

You know the old saying "home is where the heart is..." well 2012 my heart made a major skip and turn 180° in different directions, so been able to still have a place i can go and hide during the winter is been a bleassing. During my "slow" days my mom and I got a chance to connect through old movies: "Gone with the Wind", "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and "Pretty Woman" :D i loved them all! and we were spending hours a day just laying in bed with food and "chocolate abuelita" and cinnamon coffee <3.

1. Gone with the Wind (1939), 2. "Breakfast at Tiffany's" (1961), 3. "Pretty Woman" (1990)

Y las ideas hacen PUF!

...y desaparecen.

Llevo días tratando de escrbir un post de desahogo en este lugar, sin como pueden verlo, llevarlo a cabo. Increíblemente tuve muchos momentos de iluminación diciéndome una y otra vez...oh! Esta es uno de esos pensamientos que quiero escribir en el blog! O esta es una gran idea para un post!...pero por azares del destino nunca los realice...bien, es a esto que he decidido llevar a cabo una pequeña bitácora de lluvia de ideas de todo lo que necesito expresar.

Es muy linda <3 en realidad estoy muy emocionada de que esta idea si se vaya a plasmar en algún lado, porque haré mi propia libreta <3 y sera linda y maravillosa y escribiré en ella todos los temas de los que deseo hablar y anotare a su vez que imágenes colocare o que quotes citare o que demás cosas lindas haré.

Claro el detalle es que realmente lo realice y no solo me emocione como 5 minutos y luego PUF, como el resto de mis ideas.

Espero todas sus ideas si se concreten y si no, guarden 5 minutos al día para hacer una lluvia de ideas random de todo lo que desean escribir o realizar, y luego de ahí hagan prioridades. Ojala y a mi me funcione :) <------- smile face.