About to go back "home"

About to go back home. Yeap. After barely 5 months in the old city I am going back.

Part of me is excited about it, to be honest, I do miss certain things (as in people, family and the easy-going of a provincial life). 

But most of me is scared as hell, scared of my future, the decisions I make and he domino effect it will produce. 

I love this city, I love its restaurants, its museums, it's plays. I love it. But it's making me going insane. 

In this big old city, a single fish cannot shine through the entire ocean of fish. You get to be one of many. But that does not mean the many will support you in orden to keep you going, they are in this fight as well, if they must bite you off the race, they will. 

The "welcome to the jungle" never felt more real, and in this case, I do not feel like a "jungle" person anymore.

Although I am going back merely for practical reasons, not sentimental ones.

They offer me a better job. 

It's not as much as you will expect. Is barely above my previous job. But it is better than any previous job I ever had.

My expeses in this city are growing and growing while my salary is just being the same. 

I do not love my job (even though I dont hate it) but it has nothing to do with my career and haven't being able to do the big leap, I came to this city to find my career path, but I think I lost every path I had. 

I feel stuck and unhappy.

The smallest things are starting to get into my head and messing around. 

I do feel like a less of a human being, smaller and less capable than the moment I arrived. 

I feel behind everyone else in every sense.

I do feel like crap.

But there is no real reason for me to stay. The only one saying to me "please, stay" is my heart. As I said, I love this city.

But my head just keeps saying "loser, go home. Go and get the fucking better, study more, do more, save money. Do what the fucking you need to do, to be better."

My head is a dickhead. 

But in this moment in my life, it's kinda right.

So I am going back. 

And I am afraid of not coming back to this dream. The #cdmx dream. Or any other dream for that matter.
...
I did write all of this, 2 weeks ago. I am already back.
I am back. 

Those words people say...

Does people ever wonder what a couple of simple words can do to others? How the way we say things, get to the bottom of our human minds and affects us all as individuals and society? Am I the only human being (in this part of the city at least) that actually resonates that words have weight and that weight usually is pretty heavy? Probably yeah. Also probably I am the only one, since I am currently suffering for the weight a few "useless, casual" words said to me a week ago are doing to my mind.

Two things before we actually move on to those "filthy" words. 1. I am extremely judgemental on things, I overthink pretty much every single aspect of my life from the past mmmm 10 years? That's how much of my life I can process (keep buffering) until today. I'm a natural introvert with high sensory-judging mind (and INFJ if you "believe" on the Myers-Briggs personality test)

Segundo (2). I'm from a small tiny little norther city. We are polite AF. Hospitality is within our state shield. We were teach from a young age that "good morning" "excuse me" and "thank you" were words to open worlds.

So when I first arrived to this big city, the fact that nobody says "good morning, evening, night" or a simple "hi, what can I do for you?" as I come into a store or building or house or whatever, shook me a little bit. I am used to big cities where nobody has any time for an "apology" into bumping people in the subway/tube or saying "good morning" to every single person in a building filled with hundreds of people seems unreasonable. But, I made myself clear that as long as I am in one-on-one situations I would be keeping myself polite and friendly. It turns out to be working good so far (the bitchiness at the office has reduced by a 50%).

But those are "common" everyday words. As I said, they seem to be working, since the environment around me does seem to be a little bit more polite that when I first arrived there. But what happens to the judgments we think and then, say out loud, everyday...that are not necessary bad words.

I am not talking about the moment somebody calls you fat or dumb or truly hurtful things. But thoughts we say as casual, condescending ways, as a matter of simple small talk. Sometimes as jokes and nonchalant discussion...but that do resonate through the years...

A week ago I jumped into a friend of mine; as we were casually chatting about our life's so far (easy jumping into my pool of "I hate my life/job/bank account right now") he said "well, we used to have so much faith in you"...which I responded easily "yeah, I don't even have faith in myself anymore". WE laugh. We kept the conversation going and we went separete ways.

Until later that day, into the comfort of my bed I notice the nature of those 2 sentences.

Both of those statements are facts. Probably, He already forgot he ever said those words to me.

I haven't.

And they are both hardcore trues, going deeper and deeper into my mind, like a diamond drill, slowly but certainly deep.

It was a simple conversation, but without a doubt I have already cried over the fact that I also though I was going to be making a difference by now, I could be calling myself successful and I'd be having enough faith in myself in order to give others faith in themselves. Giving others "words of wisdom" as mother Mary and saying my 15 year old self, "it does gets better". Faith is gone. And I just notice she left the room the instant somebody said it to me.

Simple words are so easy to say and can have such a big impact into our surroundings. Or even worst, into somebody's else psyque, without notice (the hardcore part for me is not being able to notice I have been hurtful to others...).

Please always say "please" and "thank you".

Be careful of the hardcore words you use everyday as sometimes we don't even know the true origin of that word and can be loaded with hurtful history lessons.

And think before you speak...

and try to never take words personally. (Again).

The 2 months mark.

Esto marca oficialmente 2 meses en la gran #cdmx. Yay. yay?.

Originalmente planeaba escribir esto al cumplir el primer mes. Pero en ese momento no solo hubiera sido una nota trágica sino probablemente hubiera terminado conmigo regresando a casa, maleta en mano y ciento volando.

La realidad es que todavía es muy probable que eso suceda.

Mentalmente estoy más estable que hace un mes. Monetariamente no.

Si bien algunos gastos se han compensado. En su gran mayoría han aumentado de manera exponencial haciendo que mi cartera lo sufra (y mi paz financiera este al borde un colapso y a un contrato de deuda a largo plazo con mis padres). Aunque también he pensando en modos de vida mas "alternativos" para compensarlo (siendo la opción mas viable es conseguirme una pequeña "little black book").

En ocasiones pasadas la ciudad me parecía una urbe cosmopolita, donde se es más libre (en casi todos los aspectos) que en provincia, donde las horas no tienen fin y se convierten paulatinamente en un nuevo día. Donde la gente ríe a las 4 de la mañana por todos lados y donde cada esquina tiene un viejo sueño arquitectónico convertido en paisaje. Si bien, es una descripción adecuada, solo lo es para ciertos barrios de la ciudad. El resto de ella es un monstruo de mil cabezas, acalorado y harto de las masas de gente que viven y se mueven en su interior, sin dejar nada más que una cara de hastío y un dolor de cabeza. Los estratos sociales y económicos se vuelven evidentes y son escupidos directamente en nuestra cara, no en son de reclamo pero en son de majadería común y corriente y una "chingadera" más. El monstruo termina por entrar dentro de nosotros, haciéndonos uno con él. Una simbiosis amorfa y desagradable.

Si bien a mayor tamaño, mayores oportunidades, las posibles ofertas de esta ciudad parecen deslizarse de entre mis dedos; O yo no fui creada para este lugar o este lugar nunca planeó tener una carrera para mí. Si bien apenas son 2 meses y muchos otros antes que yo sufrieron/batallaron/lucharon durante más tiempo antes de establecerse, yo he perdido el foco y creo que esta es una de esas batallas perdidas. Una batalla perdida en la que tengo la oportunidad de hacerme un harakiri o luchar hasta ver el cañón en la cara y morir (porque, queridos, como lo he descubierto. Mi orgullo es mi más grande debilidad). "Uno pierde las batallas pero no la guerra" (ini pidi las batallis piri ni la guerra), eso es cuando sabes cual es la gran guerra, el gran propósito de lanzarse a la muerte por el bien mayor, común o propio. Pero ya he perdido la razón de ser de todo esto y así es como uno termina odiando a todo mundo, odiándose a si mismo, pero con el patriotismo por delante (cof perdonUSA cof).

El detalle con esta batalla es haberla iniciado con altas expectativas. Si bien me lo prometí, no volver a iniciar un año calendario con expectativas o planes y mejor dejar que la vida me sorprendiera; hacer cambios tan drásticos implicaba hacer al menos uno o 2 planes a corto e inmediato plazo (dejando mi mente flotar a la deriva, "daydreaming" y bien, haciendo expectativas improbables, increíbles e inconcebibles).

¿Y la vida por qué no viene con Google Maps?

Ahora que ya hice el primer paso y me mude a esta urbe, no me queda más que "sobrevivir". Si bien suena dramático, la realidad de las cosas es que ya no me queda mucho que hacer. Mi sueño esta hecho y lo que no esperaba es encontrarme con la cartera vacía y con ella, mi cartera de motivaciones y sueños, también vacía. No sabia que esperar después, que quería para después. Solo hice lo que había pendiente en la lista y ahora que fue completado me encuentro con un montón de puntos "to do", una pluma y sin nada que escribir. Dibujar si (oh si). Pero... ¿y ahora qué? 

 

 

2016: The no-expectations year.

As the year comes to an end, we set ourselves new goals to achieve as soon as the new year enters: Start healthy eating, a new exercise routine, find true love. In my case it usually included: Drawing more, Blogging more, Travel more.

As I sat down to give a quite taught full review of 2015 I just notice how little of my 2015 goals I actually achieved. I did travel, got a beautiful chance to be part of a musical theater course over NY. (Which is an amazing city). But, besides that, I did not blog more, draw or painted more.  I started comparing all my goals, and setting myself full F on my school board for each and every one of them, leaving me feeling down and setting my 2015 as a "boring" year. How sad is it to say your year is "boring"? (It was good, but wasn't spectacular, it wasn't hard either).

Setting goals to the year (and yourself) sets expectations of whats to come, setting expectations allows for the next year to compare your expectations against reality. According to my logic the best way to stop comparing year against year and goals and expectations is simply having NONE.

My only goal I set to myself this year was having ZERO expectations of it, no goals to obtain and no scores to get. That way, everything that happens will be a total surprise. Of course, I made myself some guide: If I do enjoy drawing, I'll just make sure I have a notebook and a pen right beside me at all time (which I already did!). See? I already made progress to make this year a better than 2015 and actually didn't took much. Goals should be measurable in order to be obtainable, the problem is we usually set measures way too high way too fast (losing 20pounds during January, pfff nobody has time for that), but setting small measures along the way may lead to habits, even better than just yearly goals.

I do have some plans: finishing my masters is definitely happening this year, as  well as a quick and fun trip to Barcelona (which might or might not happen, I am just thinking about it) but I am setting no expectations to it, just looking at some booking prices. We'll see how it goes along the way :) 2016, surprise me!

Into 2014....so far.

(BTW this post was supposed to be up a week ago! ...that can give you the scoop as how much I work on the following goals)

As you can see i fall into bad habits quite often: Not blogging. Once said the issue with blogging right now is that it feels more like a chore to do than a hide-out, it makes me feel responsible for something i should be trying to do 24/7. Some part of me knows it is mostly because i look blogging like a new job i have to make perfectly, but at this time, also notice is been a while since in have the opportunity to talk to somebody about pretty much anything that pops out of my head...like my blog used to be.

As every year i try my best to come often, and as every year i fail horribly over it. From all blogs and articles been following lately, one of it included putting your Year Goals by written, therefore you can see them Daily, Measure them and Remind them. So that's what i did...kinda. I put it over my bamboo app on my iPad just to have it around, but not in order to make it impossible to change it a little bit.

Originally started as a 5 goal thing....ended in 4; mainly cause also this year i was able to notice i have almost zero real goals. Not the i-want-to-be-thin kinda of goal, but those goals that are not really by years, but stages, for instance: what i want to do/ to be by the age of 30?. Yes my darlings, that's where the panic come from. *runs in circles, checks first goal of the year*